A Slice Of Heaven – 31

Why should she teach herself to let him go?

She woke up with that question in her head and a loud knocking at her front door.

Wondering who it could be at 5:40 a.m., and stashing the question to ponder on its answer later, Anya dragged on the pyjama bottom she’d tossed aside the night before and headed out of her room.

It was Saz, much to her shock. “What are you doing here so early?”

“I needed to see you. I didn’t sleep well last night.” With his rather bleary eyes, he looked like he hadn’t. “I don’t want this to be the end for us, Anya. May I come in?”

She realised she was blocking the doorway, and stepped back. “Saz, you’re going back to Benin and I will be here, there’s no way this is not the end of the road for us.”

“People do have long distance relationships, and it works.”

If he didn’t sound so desperate, she would laugh. But as he did, and looked uncharacteristically agitated, Anya only asked quietly, “Really?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know.” Saz dragged a hand through his uncombed hair, and then reached for her. “I don’t know what works, or doesn’t work. I just know I don’t want to lose you. Not yet.”

“Not yet?”

“Maybe not ever. I don’t know.” Letting out a sigh, he kissed her, with a kind of desperate hunger. “I only know I want you, and I like having you. I like knowing that somehow you will be a part of my day, or week. I don’t want that to ever end.”

“Oh Saz.” She needed to step back from him to be able to think.

Anya took a step back, and then held up a hand to stop him when he wanted to close the distance. “Don’t touch me. It confuses things, and we need to be clear what we are doing. What we should do from now on.”

“Okay.” Saz pushed his hands into the pockets of his joggers. “I want to say again how sorry I am I wasn’t completely honest with you. It was wrong of me; very wrong.”

“Fine, I accept your apology on that.” Anya gave a smile to assure him that wasn’t a problem between them. “But I don’t believe in long distance relationships, Saz. I’ve never been involved in one, and don’t want one.”

“We can try…”

She cut in. “It’s pointless to try when our choices of where to live won’t change. And maybe that won’t matter to you, but it will to me. I won’t be satisfied with a casual relationship, Saz.”

She paused, maybe hoping for him to say something. But he didn’t, only stared at her with the makings of a frown knotting his forehead.

Sighing, Anya went on, “I will want more. I already do, if I’m to be honest. I suppose I should have known I would, but you had me so twisted up with lust, getting my hands on you was all I could think.”

She gave a small laugh, and then shook her head. “But sex only is not enough for me. And having you without any true commitment won’t be either. So, in actual fact, this should be the end for us.”

Saz continued to stare at her. His head told him there were a million things he could say, but he couldn’t think of a single one that would change the situation.”

“If you’re just going to stare at me, then maybe you should go home. I need to get ready to leave for the shop anyway.”

Her teasing smile didn’t reach her eyes, and it shocked Saz to feel the brush of pain, and guilt, at its absence. “I think I’ve hurt you. Darn it, I know I have and I’m really sorry. I don’t know what I can commit to right now. I mean, I’m not sure if I can as yet offer you the kind of commitment you seek.

“But,” Though she’d asked him not to touch her, he took his hands out of his pockets and slipped them around her. “I know I’m miserable thinking I’m about to lose you. I know I want you today, and will most likely want you tomorrow, and next week, and likely the week after that.”

Gazing into her eyes, and knowing his were pleading, he said softly, “I am asking you to take it one day at a time with me, Anya. Don’t close the door on us today, or tomorrow. Let’s go on and see where this leads.”

“You are leaving, so where can it lead?”

Having no answer, Saz let out a low groan and pressed his lips against hers. A part of him said he should accept it was over and walk away, and even be grateful to her for not making it hard.

But it was hard, and he didn’t want to walk away. Damn his confused feelings, he didn’t want to let her go. Yet, she was right. He was leaving as soon as he made a deal and sold off the business, wasn’t he?

“Can I ask you not to make a decision right now? Let’s take some time to think over this and be sure of what we ought to do.”

“Saz, it’s not…”

“Don’t say no, please. Let’s just think about this. Surely something as important as this demands we take our time to make the right decision.”

Anya stared at his pleading eyes. It was her undoing, because she couldn’t say no to that desperate, needy look. Especially when it was just as hard to let him go.

“All right, let’s think about it. But I don’t see how anything will change, Saz.”

“Maybe something will. I like to think something will happen to clearly tell us what to do.”

Something already had, Anya thought. But she smiled and nodded. “Fine, we will give it a second thought.”

“Thank you.” He cupped her face and kissed her. “You haven’t brushed yet.”

She grinned. “No, I haven’t.”

“Okay.” He kissed her once more, longer and more passionate. Then he let her go, and stepped away. “I will see you later. We can have dinner and maybe watch a movie.”

“You don’t like watching movies.”

“Maybe I will like to this time. Or I will just look at you.” He stared at her with longing for a moment, then turned and made for the door. “See you, Anya.”

“See you, Saz.”

She locked the door, went back to her bedroom, and sat on the bed. She was dragging this out for no reason, she told herself. What difference would another thought on the matter do? Or what would a few days more with him change?

But why let him go when she was in love with him?

That question again. As she still had no answer to it, Anya put it and the thoughts away, and got herself busy with getting ready for the shop.

---

“You usually are chatty when we’re in here,” Nkechi said, aiming another studying glance at her. “Not only chatty, but tossing your cheerful smiles around as if that makes working inside a hot kitchen all better.”

“It’s not so hot this morning. And I toss around my cheerful smiles with the hope to soothe your grumpy nature.”

“Little wonder I’m grumpier now I haven’t seen them,” Nkechi said dryly. Then asked, because they’ve been friends long enough for her to know when something’s off. “What’s not right in your world today? And don’t bother with a smart answer. I want the truth.”

“When have I never told you the truth?”

“Don’t bother with the evasive technique either.”

Anya laughed. “My world would be empty without your brand of humour in it. That I can tell you.”

“Good. Now you’ve told me something I know, tell me one I don’t know.”

Anya went to the oven to get out the meat pies. Then said as she moved to the other, the one Saz had loaned her, to check on the cupcakes, “I’m in love with Saz, and he’s going back to Benin.”

“What?”

“Ah, no. I think this is where you say I told you, you won’t be content with a casual relationship and he’s trouble.”

“You’ve said it for me, so thank you. Now what do you mean, he’s going back to Benin?” Nkechi took over the dough she was shaping into sausage rolls, because she wanted her to focus on talking alone.

With nothing else to do, Anya dropped on a stool. “He only came to sell off the building materials store. I only found out last night.”

“I am going to ask you why you found that out only last night. But I need you to tell me first why he is selling off the store. And what the heck does sell of actually mean?”

Anya chuckled, because you could count on Nkechi to sound testy and droll at the same time. “I think sell off means get someone to pay you to take over your business. Like we watch in movies. Obviously, it happens in real life, too.”

“Okay. And why is he selling?”

“Because this town is not home for him.”

“He’s from this town.”

“A person’s home is not always where he is from, but where he finds peace.”

“Don’t start on wisdom nuggets, please. I haven’t the patience for them now,” Nkechi reproved with a scowl. “What I want to know is, if he knew he only wanted to sell off his late father’s hard work and long years of dedication, why bother to reopen the store?”

“I recommend you save that particular question for him, and it would be nice if you add the hard work and long years of dedication bit,” Anya said, smiling.

“I don’t know how you can be smiling, or even talking so calmly about this. Tell me you at least slapped him for his deception.”

“I didn’t. But I would have if he hadn’t made it clear he wasn’t after anything serious from the onset.”

“That’s not an excuse why he didn’t tell you he was only passing through town. And what’s his excuse for not telling you anyway?”

“His excuse? I don’t think Saz is the type who looks for excuses for his actions. He just tells you how it is when he wants to tell you.” Because she was restless, and the cupcakes should be ready, Anya went to get them out. Busying herself with setting them out on a tray.

“He’s not the kind to easily confide in others, and he was afraid to mess up his chance with me. He still doesn’t want to mess up his chance with me.”

“He’s leaving town, so that’s messed up already.”

“Yes, that completely messes things up. But I am in love with him, Nke. I’ve gone and fallen in love with him and I don’t know how I’m going to let him go.”

“That troublemaker. I knew that man was trouble with his hot look and charming ways.” Muttering words that had to be curses, Nkechi came around the work table to pull her into a tight hug. “Falling in love is a good thing, so I will tell you not to cry over that.

“But being in love with a man who’s not going to stay, now that’s heartache, so cry. Only a little cry though, because a self-respecting woman shouldn’t be bawling over a man.”

Anya laughed, and laughed hard. “Darn, you’re one straightforward woman I’m glad to know.” She pushed out of the warm embrace. “Go back to your work. I’m not going to cry, after all. Or maybe I will later. Anyway, he came over to the house this morning…”

“Your house?”

Anya shook her head at the arched stare. “Yes, my house, Nke. I left his last night.”

“Good for you.”

“Yeah, good for me, although I don’t regret the weekend with him.”

“Why should you regret it? You got some good sex out of it, didn’t you?”

“I did. And some good moments, too.” Thinking of those moments, Anya sighed as she went on, “He’s asking that we don’t end things now. That we give ourselves time to be sure that’s what we ought to do.”

“Is he asking so he can get more sex before taking the exit route out of town?”

“No. I know that’s not why he’s asking for time. I know he was being truthful every time he said what’s between us is not just about sex. He likes me.” Which is not enough. “He cares for me and has that insatiable desire for me.” Both are not enough either.

“You’re in love with him, and he’s in like and lust with you. Doesn’t sound like the makings of a happy ending.”

“It doesn’t also because, and probably most importantly, his home is in Benin and mine is here.”

“Yes, that fact alone essentially stamps ‘the end’ on your relationship.”

“Thank you for the clarity.”

Nkechi shrugged. “We’re being honest and direct. And because we are, I have to point out that it’s early days yet, and he can totally fall in love with you as time goes on. Also, you can move from here and join him in Benin. I’m sure A Slice Of Heaven can find a nice spot in that ancient city.”

“I can’t leave Ogwashi, Nke.” Anya couldn’t, and wouldn’t, even consider it. “And it’s not just about the store, or about leaving a town I’m happy and content in. I can’t leave my old people, or forget my dream to build them a home.”

“There are old people in Benin. Of that I am certain. And I am also certain you can build a home for them there, too.”

“I know there are old people everywhere, but these are my old people. They are not just old people to me either. They are an extension of my family. They depend on me. They need me, and I need to be always there for them. I am not leaving them, or this dream behind.”

“Then I guess Saz would be the one you’re leaving.”

“Oh God, I don’t want to.” Anya pressed her fingers to her eyes and forced back the threat of tears. “I don’t want to lose him, but it looks like that’s what’s going to happen. I shouldn’t have agreed to his request this morning. It’s better if we part ways now.”

“Or you can enjoy however many days you have left with him and part ways when it’s time for him to go. Or, again,” Nkechi added, a smile coming on her face. “You could try hope.”

“Hope? Hope for what?”

“Hope that he will change his mind and stay.”

“They’ve found him a buyer, Nke.”

“Leave pointing out the negative bits to me, it’s not your job,” Nkechi told her. “He can change his mind and decide to stay. It doesn’t hurt to hope on that. Or on the possibility that he can go back, find out that he loves you and can’t live without you, and return home for good.”

“He’s a man. That kind of emotional realisation is not something they go often through. Plus, he really doesn’t like this town.”

“Did I or did I not ask you to leave negative pointers to me?”

Grinning at her scowl, Anya said, “You did. Sorry.”

“You should follow my advice. You know why?”

“Because you’re wise and all-knowing?”

“Don’t let God strike you dead. You’ve been sinning on Sundays.” Nkechi scoffed. “The answer is because love is patient, persevering and believes in happy endings.”

Anya chuckled. “That last part isn’t in the Holy Book.”

“It is in my book. And should be in yours.”

It was in hers, Anya thought. But she didn’t have a happy ending the first time.

Hope. Maybe she should hope for it now.