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Category Archives: LOL

Lol – Shirley Goodnest

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking alone to school. He didn’t want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had the idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbour if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn’t notice her. The neighbour said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next day, the neighbour and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour’s girl he knew. She did this for a whole week.

As the two kids walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy: “Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?”

Timmy nonchalantly replied: “Yeah, I know who she is.”

The little girl said: “Well, who is she?”

“That’s just Shirley Goodnest,” Timmy replied, “and her daughter, Marcy.”

“Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?”

“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night, my mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, ’cause she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm it says:

‘Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life’

“So I guess I will just have to get used to it!”

***

Lmao… May “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy” follow you today and all the days of your life… if your sense of humour is alive and sharp, say “Amen!”. Lol. Have a wonderful day, folks.

*Culled*

Lol – Loony Docs

Passing An Exam:

Three patients in a mental institution prepared for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them another five years.

The doctor took the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asked the first to jump. He did and broke both arms.

The second patient jumped and broke both legs. The third patient looked over the side and refused to jump.

“Congrats! You are a free man. Just tell me, why did you not jump?” Asked the doctor.

To which the patient answered. “Well doc, I cannot swim.”

***In my opinion, the head psycho psych should be locked up***

Wrong Side Pain:

PATIENT: “I have a terrible pain in my left side. I think it’s appendicitis.”

DOCTOR: “No, that can’t be. The appendix is on the right side.”

PATIENT: “So that’s why it hurts so much! My appendix is on the wrong side!”

***A hypochondriac patient, no doubt.***

Bad Temper:

PATIENT: “Doctor, you must help me. I keep losing my temper with people.”

DOCTOR: “Tell me about your problem.”

PATIENT: “I just did, you stupid bastard!”

***Well, nothing like an upfront evidence, right?***!:

Then Do It!:

PATIENT: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.

DOCTOR: You should cut down on drinks.

PATIENT: I don’t touch a drop.

DOCTOR: You should cut down on smoking.

PATIENT: I don’t smoke.

DOCTOR: You should stop taking drugs.

PATIENT: I don’t do drugs.

DOCTOR: You should cut down on womanizing.

PATIENT: Haven’t touched a woman in my life.

DOCTOR: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.

***Is that doctor from Naija?***

***

*Culled*

LOL – A little laugh, A tiny Word

A man has to take on up a sport at the advice of his doctor, so he decides to play tennis.

After a couple of weeks, his buddy asks him how he’s doing. “It’s going fine.” The man says. “When I’m on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!

“Really? What happens then?” His friend asks enthusiastically.

“Then my body says: What? Me? Don”t talk nonsense!


Reaching the end of a job interview, the HR director asked a young Engineer fresh out of school. “And what starting salary are you looking at?”

The Engineer said. “In the neighbourhood of ₦1.5 million a month, depending on the benefits package.”

The director said. “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching pension fund to 50% of salary, annual housing allowance of ₦5 million and a company car renewed every 2 years–say, a red Range Rover?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said. “Wow! Are you kidding?”

He replied. “Yeah, but you started it.”


One night, Ime was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.

Ime and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Ime put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Ime’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Ime was ₦70.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Ime why he had bothered to fight so hard for 70 naira.

“Was that all you wanted?” Ime replied. “I thought you want to take the five thousand naira I have in my shoe!”


A TINY WORD:

For By grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God.” Ephesians 2:8 (English Standard Version).

Just as we cannot hear the radio waves without a radio receiver, so we cannot receive God’s grace without faith; and that faith itself is a gift to us from God.

As this month turns over to a new one, apply that gift of God and reach out in faith for the many graces of God.

***

**Culled from Church bulletin**

LOL – Parents’ Rules

A headmaster at a parochial school wanted to provide his new students some advice for appropriate behaviour at church. He thought he would try to elicit rules that parents might give the youngsters before taking them to a nice restaurant.

“Don’t play with your food.” One second grader cited.

“Don’t be loud.” Said another. And so on…

He turned to another youngster to ask. “And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?”

Without batting an eye, the child replied. “Order something cheap.”

LOL – The biggest Lie

A minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group had surrounded a dog.

Concerned that the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked. “What are you doing with that dog?”

One of the boys replied. “This dog is just an old neighbourhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.

Of course the Reverend was taken aback. “You boys shouldn’t having a contest about telling lies!” He exclaimed.

He then launched into a ten-minute sermon against lying. He began by saying. “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” And ended with. “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”

There was dead silence for about a minute.

Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said. “All right, give him the dog.”

lol

*You get it? Lol.*

*Culled*

LOL – Teachers vs. Students

Had a good laugh yesterday reading this and thought I’d share. Enjoy… I hope *wink*

 

PHYSICS TEACHER: “Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn’t that wonderful?”

STUDENT: “Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class, looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything.”

lol

TEACHER: “Why are you late, Joseph?”

JOSEPH: “Because of a sign down the road.”

TEACHER: “What does a sign have to do with you being late?”

JOSEPH: “The sign said, ‘School Ahead. Go Slow!'”

lol

TEACHER: “Here’s a Math problem. If your dad earned $300 a week and he gave your mother half, what should he have?”

STUDENT: “A heart attack.”

lol

TEACHER: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”

VINCENT: “One dollar.”

TEACHER: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”

VINCENT: “You don’t know my father!”

lol

TEACHER: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”

LOUIE: “Because George still had the axe in his hand.”

lol

**Culled from academictips.org**

HOTH coming soon. Enjoy your weekend, y’all.

LOL – Don’t Remind God

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to the synagogue.

Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.

He found  him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked. “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”

The old man lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten  about me; and I don’t want to remind Him!”

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