I don’t quite know how I did it or how I keep doing it, but I broke out of the hole. I actually climbed out of it.
Sometimes, especially when I make an entry in my blog, I remember how it used to be. I would make an entry, likely an episode of a story I am posting for free read, and there would be a number of comments.
These days though, I make an entry, and no, I no longer post stories for free read, Lol. Not mine, at least. I don’t get comments either. Or just one or two. Three on big days. Lmao.
But you know, I am not worried. I am not troubled. Not about the blog. Not about followers and readers lost.
Instead, I am more focused on where I am today, who I am discovering myself to be today, and I am so proud of me.
I struggled out of a dark hole. Yes, I did. I am still struggling to keep that hole closed forever. I know I will succeed in that. Someday… soon.
Depression is a killer. But first, it’s a thief. It steals from you. Everything you have, everything you are, it steals away. And then it leaves you empty. Empty, alone and in a dark hole.
I was in that dark hole for a long, long time. But it became darker in the hole from 2015 and was at it’s darkest in 2016 and 2017.
I couldn’t function. I couldn’t live. I was only existing.
I had a number of “melt downs.” I would just break down online, offline too, and rant. I was confused, hurt, wounded, scared. Sad, empty and unwilling to go on.
I had suicidal days. Many times.
I couldn’t write. I would start a story and won’t be able to go on. I hated my life. I hated writing. I hated writing when it paid me nothing.
The blog suffered. My career as a Fiction Writer suffered.
I didn’t care. I hated everything and hated my life. I wanted it to end. I prayed for it to end. But I didn’t attempt to end it on my own.
I couldn’t. Faith, what little if it was left inside of me, stopped me.
I wasn’t able to write, not until this year, in February 2018 when I started again.
It was a struggle. It was war. It was a long climb out of the hole. But I did it. And honestly, I don’t know how.
All I know is that one day, in church, I said to myself enough is enough. I’ve had it. I’m done. It stops here.
And that day, I lifted my heart to God and I prayed. That’s all I know. I said, it ends here and I prayed, and then I started fighting my way out of the dark hole.
I was determined. I hung on. I kept climbing out. I fell many times. I would fall flat on my face and succumb again to the dark some days. But I will start all over again and keep on. I never gave up.
I am still not giving up.
I wrote a story for a contest. Didn’t make it. But I was, and am, damn proud. Will publish the story next year. I created Sophia Bernard as a pen name because I realised I had a bigger vision for TM David-West. And then, I wrote All Business and then, Definitely Sealed. Now, I am writing Not Fairy-tale.
I got my writing back. I am blogging too. Not free reads anymore. Those days are gone. But I am making entries on my blog. I am writing, even when I am not selling as I know I should be. I am writing, and for that, I am proud.
I am alive. I am living, not existing. Living. I am believing. I am fighting and I am beating the darkness. I am writing, living, discovering me and being me.
I broke out of the dark hole and I am a survivor surviving every day.
I live, I write… I win.
That’s my life.