Dear Diary,

Today, the seventh day of October in the year of Our Lord 2017, I remember him. I do, that always smiling, laid back and soft spoken Doctor Subar; my handsome knight in the sparkling white lab coat.

If anyone had told me both of us were never going to be an item, I’d have called that person a liar, but that was exactly how it played out. Our interaction was powerful enough to generate sparks, in fact, there was smoke, but inexplicably, we never made the expected progression to actual flames.

I’m here today, scratching my head and wondering what exactly I did wrong, wondering if I could or should have played my cards differently. One minute, we were laughing and vibing and getting closer and closer to each other. Then the next minute, fiam, the dude went as cold as ice, and stayed that way until he finished his service year and disappeared without a trace.

Just like that!

Truth be told, when he first started coming onto me I really wasn’t sure what to make of it. You know how some of those Corps Member Doctors were, vile and deceitful beings; sly men who deliberately send out fake signals of affection to unsuspecting Student Nurses in the hope of a cheap lay for the duration of their stay, before they returned to the eagerly waiting arms of their girlfriends and sometimes even wives, when their time was up.

In this case, however, as time progressed, it became clearer by the hour that he was doing the proper groundwork for a long-lasting relationship. He was actually feeling me for real, which is why I still can’t understand why he suddenly clammed up and never said a thing.

I miss him, a lot.

I miss his invitingly refreshing gap-toothed smile. I miss his unpretentious intelligence.

It’s true that medical doctors are supposed to be naturally intelligent and academically brilliant, but he had that something extra about him which set him apart from the ordinary doctor. Also, he never made me feel out of place anytime we were together. Yes, I was a mere nursing student while he was a house officer, but you’d have had to ask around to know that we weren’t on the same level in that hospital. He was that down to earth, not like his two snotty colleagues who would look down their noses at anyone who didn’t have the privilege of finishing medical school.

He was fun and caring, and he noticed a lot of things too. Like that time he gave me a phone. I’d only ever received one call in his presence, but somehow he saw that my phone was terribly battered and urgently needed a replacement. I was actually putting aside money from my feeding allowance to get another one, which was tough and would have more than a year to get together on the basis of how meager my allowance was. But out of nowhere, he surprised me with that cute LG phone.

I remember that afternoon like it was yesterday.

We’d just finished a sumptuous lunch at the restaurant directly opposite the clinic which he paid for, and I can still see the smile on his dark face as he watched me almost scream myself hoarse with gratitude and excitement at the totally unexpected gift he just bestowed on me.

Although dead now, I still have that phone carefully wrapped and hidden in my wardrobe, and I will always treasure it because it reminds me of him.

That singular act of unsolicited kindness erased the little doubts I had in my mind about the sincerity of his intentions, and I was eagerly waiting for him to pop the question for me to say yes like any normal girl from around these parts would. Ours is not a culture where the female is forward.

Somehow though, he never did, and to this day I still wonder why.

I know it’s been years, but I just can’t forget him. A part of me hopes we meet again, whether here or in another life, or maybe even in heaven. Maybe then I’ll have the opportunity and enough courage to confront him and ask what actually went wrong, if only to answer the raging questions that burden my pining heart.

A girl needs to know, for closure.