This is not Super-Story.
It started on the 18th of November 2016. My Lenovo laptop has been having issues for some good many days. Taking up to 5o minutes to boot and start-up and driving me nuts. So, on that D-day, which was just the day after we’d read the chapter One of MW, Oga hubby loaded up the laptop into its bag and off he went with it to the repairman for “Formatting”.
He returned without it.
It wasn’t a problem of “formatting”. The Hard Disk had gone bonkers.
We needed a new Hard Disk—the laptop and I, that is. The cost of it was unwelcomed by our present family account, so we needed an alternate solution—Oga hubby and I. We hmmed and hawed and hemmed, and finally, the solution was take the Hard Disk from my “went-kaput-in-2011” laptop and put in the Lenovo.
Off to repairman hubby went. Repairman got to work. Friday went by. Saturday came. There is chapter 2 of MW to be posted on Sunday. I thought of deferring posting until Lenovo is back in “good health”. I squashed that idea. LS must go on. Na so I dey always talk am for that part of my mind wey dey sane.
I grabbed Oga hubby’s “ancient and modern” HP Compact laptop and after invoking the power of the Holy Spirit over it, I got down to work. Sunday Post was a success. Chapter 2 delivered right before time in the wee hours of a holy Sunday morning and the LS e-fam happy as can be. Comments brimming as evidence.
Monday came. Oga hubby went out. Stayed out. Returned without Lenovo.
He didn’t go to see Repairman.
TM kept her temperature under padlock and key.
Tuesday came. Repairman is resolving something-something. Old Hard Disk contains Windows 7. Lenovo came with Windows 8.1. and seems to despise Win.7 and would not tolerate it. Repairman has only “crack” Win.8.Pro to replace Win.7 with.
He put “crack” Win.8.Pro.
Meanwhile, TM is “impatiently” waiting for Lenovo so as to write chapter 3. She haff tire of “ancient and modern” HP Compact laptop. Tuesday pass, no Lenovo. TM swear-down: it is either Lenovo or LS can goan die… habamana!!!
Wednesday, Oga hubby returned “proudly” with Lenovo. TM is hapi. TM put on Lenovo. Lenovo is shining like the mid-afternoon sun in Africa.
TM start to look for “Brightness” in Lenovo to reduce it. TM temperature is getting high. Becos TM is not a patient child of God. Eziokwu nke chineke! TM find “Brightness”. TM reduce it to lowest. Lenovo is still shining like African sun. TM go here and there inside Lenovo Control Panel. She go to Advanced Measures. No way o. TM begin to cuss with “thunder and fire”. Cussing Lenovo and “crack” Win.8.Pro. No solution. TM tell Oga hubby: “I cannot work with this o. You know my eye problem. Do you want me to go blind before one hour is over???” Oga hubby say: “Calm down nau and find a solution. Pretty, just calm down.”
TM start to breath with her nose like hippopotamus. That is how TM calms down.
TM start to scout the whole WWW for solution. She download this one. She download that one. No solution. Lenovo is still shining wah-wah-wah. TM eyes are paining her. TM is cussing in her mind—everything and everybody now. Nothing is spared in cussing o.
Small time, TM decide to check her Word documents to make sure they are in order. Or else…ehen!
TM start to open MS Office and she see “2007”: What!!! TM: “Dearest, is it Office 2007 that S. installed?” Oga hubby: “Ehen. So?” TM (temperature slowly rising): “I was using Office 2010 before! What is going to happen to my ALL documents, eh???” Oga hubby: “Ewo! Sorry. Pack it up immediately. I’ll take it back to S.”
Oga hubby bundles Lenovo and back to Repairman they both went.
TM eye “ancient and modern” HP. There was no light. PHED has done their worst. “Ancient and modern” can only work 15 minutes without light. Mtcheew!!!
One hour pass. Oga hubby return… with Lenovo and with MS Office 2010 CD.
Ahn-ahn, Oga hubby, warris this na?
Oga hubby order TM to start download .Net nenewin-nenewin. TM download it. Install. .Net nenewin-nenewin sai mba, this is not original Windows. Nsogbu!
Meanwhile, Lenovo is still shining o. TM sai mbanu, I cannot come and be going blind becos of “crack” Win.8.Pro. Whoosai! TM enter WWW with a mean spirit, declare “Operation find PC Screen dimmer”. One hour pass. Two hours pass. Three hours nko. No solution. Lenovo battery die. Becos it is shining like African sun, Lenovo battery can only last 5o minutes now from 100% – 10%… negodu!!!
TM is frustrated. Tomorrow is Thursday and chapter 3 must be posted. Mtcheeew!
Oga hubby reassure TM she must find a solution: “No be you again?” TM start to feel like Tech-Guru and start to smile proudly. Oga hubby and TM go to bed happily. Lenovo is momentarily forgotten. LS stay ya own jor… na by force. Am I not the CEO???
Thursday arrive. TM handle Lenovo like a Tech-Guru that she is nau. “Operation find PC Screen dimmer” on point. Small time, Tech-TM have find solution o: ScreenDimmer. TM download it and then install. Ozigbo, Lenovo screen dim. African sun shine-shine vamoose. TM “proudly” announce to Oga hubby: “I don solve am o.” Oga hubby: “E dey ya bodi before.” Very proud of herself, TM open MW doc and get to work.
Then another wahala strike.
TM fave (the only one TM Trust) Thesaurus-Dico is vanish. Repairman “formatted” it out of Lenovo and could not re-install becos his CD e haff broke. Oh chi m ooo!!!
TM start to look for another one.
Hubby go out and come back. Where is his food? TM haff not cook. Jisos!!! Oga hubby, gentleman and always God-fearing, go into kitchen and prepare im food. Tell TM: “Don’t worry. I will take care of it.” TM thank God for beta hubby. Meanwhile PHED take light. Lenovo battery finish fiam. 12 o’clock pass. One o’clock pass. Afternoon pass. Evening reach. PHED bring light. TM get back to work. Oga hubby return. TM still working. Oga hubby make im evening food. No angry. No wahala. Just happy to leave TM to work… and im have peace and tranquillity with chopping im food.
Finally, TM post chapter 3.
LS e-fam reluctantly come and read and thinking in their mind: “Dis TM cannot keep to time sef.” And one sef is telling TM about typo errors. TM think in her mind: “See ya mouth there. If I no post nko? But as a good writer that TM is nau, TM correct all errors and thank e-fam. Then TM consider apology for posting late. TM say: Mba! If Oga hubby can prepare his food when TM is working her ass off for LS e-fam, LS e-fam can manage “messed-up” timing… gbam!
Friday. TM is still rigmaroling the WWW for Thesaurus-Dico that will replace “that one”. TM did not find any good one. WordWeb is namsense!
Another problem don happen meanwhile. ScreenDimmer slows down the system and makes cursor to be jumping upandan and causing unnecessary mistake everywhere while typing. TM is always hissing and cussing now when writing. Nonsense ScreenDimmer! But TM cannot uninstall it o. Or else… eye problem!
Saturday come. TM handle Lenovo after small work for house. TM write 6 lines and gba break where Richelle is thinking that Simon is soldier husband. TM open WordWeb for one synonym. WordWeb tell TM limited nonsense. TM temperature rise fiam. TM cuss WordWeb and start to perambulate WWW again. She must find alternative to “the other one” o. She find find find. Ba alternative for download. TM temperature has skyrocket and TM is panting and breathing o like hippopotamus and cussing Lenovo and Win.8.Pro and everything and everybody… except TM. Small time TM stop finding and stare at Lenovo desktop. Her eyes catch “Zuma”.
Now hear o. Everytime TM take Lenovo to Repairman via Oga hubby, Repairman will install Zuma. TM will uninstall it. This time around, TM did not have time to uninstall Zuma. TM head is thinking of ScreenDimmer vs. Thesaurus-Dico wahala. No time for Zuma. So Zuma is still in Lenovo.
So TM eye catch Zuma kpakaram. TM begin to think: shebi, I need to calm my temperature. I cannot write now that ayaf lost my temper with this system. Even sef, who am I writing for. LS e-fam? Do they know what ayaf been going thru? Do they even care? Mtcheeew! Namsense and ingredient!
TM open Zuma. Register her name: TM. Begin play. E yaf tey since TM last play Zuma: 2011. TM technique no sharp again. TM is losing lives. TM temperature rise. Hippopotamus breathing cannot help this one o. TM must win Zuma. TM must pass this level. One. Two. Three. Four.
It is TM fone o. TM eye phone. It is Oga hubby. Chai, TM cannot ignore this call o. TM pick call. Oga hubby: “Pretty, food don ready?” Jisos!!! TM (sharpaly woman nau): “Ayam waiting for you to come because I don’t want it to cold before you come.” Oga hubby: “Okay. But wetin we go eat for evening?” TM: “Eba.” Oga hubby. “Make we eat the eba now nau. It is already after 12.” TM: “All right. See you.” Call end. TM check time. Okokoko! Time haff pass o. TM play “only” one more level and then rush into kitchen and put water on fire. Oga hubby return. TM serve food… good wife tinz *shines teeth*. TM and Oga hubby start to gist… loving couple tinz *bats eyes*. Oga hubby advice TM to uninstall Zuma. TM think in her mind: “But ayaf reach level 5 na.” She no tell Oga hubby anything.
Zuma must remain.
Evening come. TM and Hubby go church party. As the good Christian that they is nau. Party stay so tey 9 p.m. reach. TM tell Oga hubby: “Let us go home.” TM and Oga hubby reach house, no light. Nonsense PHED! TM and Oga hubby go to bed. They sleep. Day break.
It is Sunday o!!!
Only 6 lines written!!!
Chi m ooo!!!
TM think of LS e-fam disappointment. Then TM think of all her suffering since Lenovo came back like a “working-dead”. TM hiss. If LS e-fam like let dem not go to church and worship God, or do something else if dey are not Christians. TM as a good Christian nau is going to church.
In church, TM dance like never before. Bringing ogbonge dance steps like never seen before. Her mind will think of LS e-fam. She will bind the devil. Her mind will think of lost Thesaurus-Dico. She will bind the devil. Her mind will think of jumping upandan cursor. She will bind the devil. Church finish. TM and Oga hubby reach house. No light. God punish PHED!!!
TM and Oga hubby chop food. Still no light. TM start to write for pieces of paper. Still no light. TM handle fone begin write. Still no light. Thunder fire PHED!!! Fone battery wan die. TM prepare late dinner for Oga hubby and herself. Dem chop. Still no light. TM and Oga hubby go to sleep.
Wee-hours Monday morning. TM wake up from “heat-sleep”. TM start to cuss PHED for her mind. Small time, fiam, PHED bring light. It is 3:2o a.m. TM hijack Lenovo. She open MW doc, she begin type the one from pieces of paper. She dey type, she dey edit some things. For beta readership pleasure na. Small time, TM need synonym. TM open WordWeb reluctantly. WordWeb deliver limited nonsense. TM hiss: Mtcheeew! TM abandon MW doc, waka enter WWW, begin find alternative.
TM find so tey e reach 6:08 a.m. Morning prayer time don pass with 8 minutes o. TM begin breath like hippopotamus again. She consider avoid Morning prayer. She kon remember sai Oga hubby go quarrel over “prayer avoidance”. TM cuss Lenovo and stupid WWW and off laptop. Then TM begin pray make God give am beta heart to pray. Today prayer na she get am to lead. TM pray like the Prodigal Son when im come back to im papa house. God hear TM prayer. Good is Good… *oya, complete am*.
Prayer finish. Morning chores finish. Oga hubby comot.
TM begin imagine LS e-fam. TM first hiss. Then TM remember sai she don pray well-well for this morning and once again, she don born-again. TM smile. TM hijack Lenovo. TM open MW doc. Then TM open New Doc. TM begin write LS e-fam dis true-life story.
TM go soon post am. TM go go back to MW doc. TM go try post chapter 4 by this night. TM still dey find Thesaurus-Dico alternative o. TM never uninstall Zuma o. TM temperature go still dey rise and fall until every-every normalise o. Hippopotamus breathing no be solution again o.
Take TM as you see am. TM is TM… there is no other.
And TM slogan na: LS must go… See you later.
Oya face ya work. No be to come read LS dem dey pay you salary or send you go school. LS e-fam… I raise Beyonce hands for una o.
Meanwhile, make TM go dey ready ground for Oga hubby food… e go soon come back… and TM want to be “good wife” today *shines teeth*.
Make temptation no catch you o, you decide to advise TM on how to be beta wife o. Ehen! TM no beg any-any for wifely advice. TM and Oga hubby understand dem selves wella.
*side-eyes @ sabi-sabi pipul*
PHED don take light again. Thunder… *TM breath like Hippo*